You Know You’re Fat When…
February 8th, 2010*Disclaimer: This post, in no way, is meant to offend or make fun of those of the larger weight capacity. If you fall under any of the following categories, I am not saying you are fat, rather that you just engage in fat-ish actions. Think Jamie Foxx’s stand up routine, when he talks about Whitney Houston…”I’m not saying she’s a crackhead, but what she did the other night was crack-ish“.
You see, I decided to comprise a “You know you’re fat when…” list because I’ve noticed how much: a. I love to eat, b. my friends love to eat, and c. we all encourage gluttonous acts of eating. You should have seen how much food we had this past weekend in Tahoe. Breakfast burritos, loco moco, lomo, tri-tip, bbq chicken, lumpia, mac n cheese, cupcakes, ice cream cake… and that was one meal!!
I feel comfortable comprising this list because deep down inside, I’m a little fat boy at heart. I’ve struggled with weight since a little boy, and here, I have proof. This is me at two/three years old. I’m so fat my right leg is trying to eat my shorts!!
You can still see the creases in my arms from where the fat rolls used to be.
How many kids do you know that faced a weight crisis at three years old. This is me at three, and four, at Christmas with Santa. Proof it’s never too late, or early, to start losing weight… Damn, just look at that face. I’m so fat I just look uncomfortable. Like I’m trying to smile, but the fat keeps getting in the way… and yes, I wore the same shirt consecutive years.
So again, if you find yourself guilty of any of the following (and trust me, I’m guilty of just about all of them), I’m not saying you’re fat, I’m just saying you are doing some things that might be considered fat- (everyone say it together) ish.
• You know you’re fat when you consider walking exercise (unless you’re an Olympic Speedwalker. Those people are The Truth.)
• You know you’re fat when your inner thighs start to chaff from rubbing together while running on the treadmill.
• You know you’re fat when you go to workout on your lunch break and end up sleeping for the entirety of your lunch break.
• You know you’re fat when you and your significant other can’t fit on the couch together when spooning while watching TV.
• You know you’re fat when you stand straight up, and you can’t see your….toes.
• You know you’re fat when you don’t warm up your leftovers because you’re too anxious to eat them.
• You know you’re fat when you deep fry your Thanksgiving turkey.
• You know you’re fat when you deep fry anything other than chicken and french fries.
• You know you’re fat when 98% of your Facebook posts are pictures of food taken from your iPhone (sorry Chris).
• You know you’re fat when you were envious of the humans in Wall-E.
• You know you’re fat when L&L is a contact in your cell phone.
• You know you’re fat when any restaurant knows your “usual”.
• You know you’re fat when you have menu’s from several restaurants stashed in your car so you can call them while you’re on your way to said restaurants and order to go so you don’t waste any time waiting for your food.
• You know you’re fat when you’re watching TV and you notice the remote is laying on the coffee table, slightly out of your reach, so you try to use your Jedi powers to get the remote to jump from the coffee table into your hands.
• You know you’re fat when you pop your inner tube half way down the slope when tubing in Tahoe.
That concludes the list for now. Who knows, maybe one day there will be inspiration for a follow up list. In the meantime, don’t fight it, embrace it. I’m convinced, everyone has a little fat kid deep inside their soul. And it’s okay to let them out every once in a while.
- dru
